How We Asked a Friend to Be Our Known Donor
Written by Sydney Brickey, founder of WeFertility
Last updated: October 12, 2026
Ask privately, give them time, and tell them exactly what saying yes involves before they decide. Asking a friend to be your known donor is one of the biggest asks you'll ever make, and the way you ask sets the tone for everything after.
Here's how we did it, what made us feel good about his answer, and what to do once someone says yes.
What happened to us
Gina always wanted to carry, and we knew we'd need a donor. We wanted someone we knew and trusted, someone our future child could know too.
When we had someone in mind, Gina reached out to him first, just the two of them. We didn't want it to feel like an ambush, with both of us across the table waiting on an answer.
He didn't rush it. He talked with his family and friends, and with people who had been donors before. Then he came back with a question of his own: what kind of involvement did we want? That was a big green flag for us. It meant he was taking this as seriously as we were.
When he said yes, the real work started. Our clinic told us right away to get a known donor agreement and gave us a list of LGBTQ-friendly lawyers. Counseling was required for the two of us together, each of us separately, and with our donor.
Through all of it, he's been a friend first.
How do you ask a friend to be your known donor?
- Ask privately. One-on-one, low pressure. Not at a dinner party, and not as a group.
- Make "no" an easy answer. Say it out loud. Their friendship matters more than their answer.
- Give them time. A thoughtful yes is worth waiting for.
- Expect questions. A good donor will want to understand what you're asking.
- Be ready to talk about involvement. Know what role you're hoping they'll play, and stay open to their side.
If you're not sure how to start, try something like: "We have something big to ask you. Take all the time you need, and no is a completely okay answer."
What should you tell them before they decide?
| What saying yes involves | What it looked like for us |
|---|---|
| A legal agreement | Our clinic required one. It protects us and our donor. |
| Counseling | Sessions together, separately, and with our donor |
| Time and appointments | Steps with the clinic and attorney, on their schedule |
| A future role | We talked through what involvement we each wanted |
No surprises later means a stronger yes now.
What happens after they say yes?
Now there are three schedules to coordinate, not two. That's where WeFertility comes in.
- Invite your donor. Add them as a support person so they can see their own steps.
- Assign their tasks. Counseling sessions, attorney meetings, and clinic steps, each with an owner.
- Control who sees what. Your donor sees what they need. Your bills stay between you and your partner.
- Keep the agreement safe. Upload it once, and share, email, or text it right from WeFertility when someone asks.
Checklist: before you ask
- Talk with your partner about what role you want your donor to play
- Decide who will ask, and make it private
- Be ready to explain the legal agreement and counseling
- Make it clear that no is okay
- Give them time to talk with the people they trust
- Once they say yes, invite them into WeFertility
This is our experience, not medical or legal advice. Talk to your clinic, attorney, or tax professional.
How WeFertility helps
WeFertility remembers, so you don't have to. Your partner, your donor, and your support people, each with their own steps and only what they need to see. Try it free for 30 days, then it's less than a coffee a month. Download WeFertility on the App Store.
Planning the next steps? Read what insurance covered for IUI with a known donor or why you should keep your own copies of your agreements.